L.a. Affairs: I Invited An Ex-boyfriend To My Improv Show. It Did Not Go Well - Beritaja

After not speaking to maine for 4 years, my ex-boyfriend Adam texts maine that he’s successful municipality and asks to get lunch. Before I deliberation about really severely this personification mistreated maine during our 2½-year relationship, the harm he caused to my assurance and self-worth, I’m typing the connection “Canter’s.”

Then I matter a joke about paper items, and he responds, “You’ve upped your funny game.” And the whiplash of this incredibly blatant personification is abruptly backmost successful my life.

When we were making love backmost successful Chicago, he ne'er came to my drama shows and hardly moreover acknowledged that I did comedy, which sent the connection that he didn’t deliberation I was funny. (And wow, really generous is he to opportunity that I’m kind of funny now! ) But this is the caller maine 4 years later, and I’m not going to fto his remark wounded my feelings.

I’m confident. I’m successful charge. So I matter him back: “Everything’s been upped.”

I meet him astatine Canter’s connected Fairfax Avenue, a spot excessively axenic for this rendezvous, and americium amazed by his appearance. He looks 20 years older than he did 4 years ago. In my head, I’m thinking, “This makes sense. The ugliness wrong him has deteriorated his beingness body.” It whitethorn not beryllium a awesome motion that I deliberation this personification is truthful disfigured connected the wrong that it’s rotting his outside. And yet location I was.

Table for two, please! I beryllium crossed from him and announcement the shine successful his oculus is gone. It’s that shine that sewage maine into this messiness successful the first place. He would look astatine me, and I would beryllium truthful taken by his fun, mischievous, unpredictability. I’m relieved the shine is gone, truthful I could stay successful control! I’m besides relieved because possibly that intends he’s now connected immoderate medication.

During our relationship, he had aggravated temper swings but ne'er sought curen different than copious amounts of Miller High Life, which — get this — made things worse. He would go a terror. Sometimes he would dress to beryllium a baby, for illustration a literal baby, talking for illustration one, acting helpless, rolling about connected the floor. Other times, he’d relish saying mean things aliases picking fights. His buddies moreover had a nickname for him erstwhile he turned evil: Bad Adam.

Sitting crossed from him astatine Canter’s, I besides announcement he appears to beryllium a spot cross-eyed, which I find ironic because I ever thought he had a wandering eye. I’m serious: He would perpetually flirt pinch different women while we were dating, perpetually comparison maine to his exes. One clip he implied that I wasn’t arsenic smart arsenic his ex because I “didn’t publication arsenic galore books.”

I’ll ne'er hide the clip I heard him speak to a female friend connected the telephone successful a measurement I’d ne'er been spoken to earlier — truthful sweet. To me, he was dismissive. Every clip he sneezed, I would say, “Bless you,” and he wouldn’t respond. I thought, “Maybe he doesn’t cognize that’s the modular exchange?” Then 1 time, he sneezed, and my relative said, “Bless you.” And he said, “Thank you.” I couldn’t judge it. This full clip — each sneeze — he had been ignoring me.

I show him I unrecorded unsocial (I had precocious ended a semipermanent relationship), and he very evidently lights up. That’s erstwhile I judge that this luncheon mightiness beryllium much than conscionable a catchup. He past acknowledges he wasn’t the champion fellow and that he feared he “ruined men” for me.

I want to say, “The only point you ruined for maine was you!” But I don’t because now he’s tearing up. The only different clip I’ve seen him outcry was erstwhile he collapsed up pinch maine (the first time) because I “didn’t get huffy astatine him enough.”

We extremity up splitting the check. I show him I’m pursuing drama present successful L.A., and he asks if I person immoderate shows happening while he’s successful town. I really do person an improv show astatine Upright Citizens Brigade, but it’s a immense bet to induce him to it. It’s improv and I’m caller to it. But possibly I could yet show him what I’m could of. I induce him!

The improv show has a unsmooth start. It’s Memorial Day, truthful we manus retired candy astatine the opening of the show for immoderate godforsaken reason, and past we can’t perceive what anyone is saying onstage because the candy being unwrapped is truthful loud. Finally, the sound dies down, and I fastener in. I show my segment partner, “You ne'er gave maine a azygous compliment!” This is thing I want Adam to hear, of course.

I’m not brave capable to opportunity it to his face, truthful I’ll opportunity it successful a make-believe breakup scene. “You ne'er moreover told maine you loved me!” I boldly opportunity arsenic I waddle because I’m besides playing a penguin. The laughter is tepid astatine best.

After the show, my improv teammates and I caput to a bar, and I induce Adam. He agrees to subordinate but acts for illustration he doesn’t want to beryllium there. Once again, I consciousness for illustration I’m not bully enough. Old maine would person internalized this, but four-years-later maine is annoyed. I’m really amazed astatine really rude he’s behaving, really overtly he’s ignoring my friends. He makes a telephone call, and I perceive him say, “I’m location I don’t want to be.”

We guidelines successful awkward soundlessness astatine Birds connected Franklin Avenue, and I’m really kicking myself for this full escapade. Why did I work together to lunch? To show him really good I’m doing? Maybe I thought he’d beryllium a amended type of himself, and we could commencement thing anew? But he’s really a worse version. Or I’m conscionable seeing him much clearly. What I really want is for him to extremity having immoderate powerfulness complete me. I want to beryllium free of him. And past he turns to maine and says, “Will you wed me?”

And I say, “What?”

It’s the about absurd point I’ve ever heard. And past he repeats himself, “Will you wed me.”

“No,” I say, my disbelief apparent. He’s quiet, past he turns about and heads for the door. Then he throws his arms into the aerial and shouts, “I’m freeee!” Like really a kid mightiness opportunity “Wheeee!” while being pushed about successful a shopping cart.

Did I conscionable merchandise him from a curse? Wait, does he really deliberation he was the cursed 1 here? I consciousness arsenic though I’ve been the 1 trapped successful this hell, trying to impressment this feline for 7 years. I ever sewage truthful small from him and assumed location was ever a chance to get more. More attention, much validation, much love.

That’s why I sewage luncheon pinch him. It was a chance for more. But this haphazard proposal, pinch nary ring, nary reason, astatine a random bar? And past he doesn’t get the consequence he wants and runs retired flailing, for illustration a toad that yet sewage turned backmost into a man? I’m the 1 who’s been group free now that it’s abundantly clear: There is nary more.

The writer is simply a stand-up comedian, writer and filmmaker successful Los Angeles. She’s connected Instagram astatine @alexajloftus and connected TikTok astatine @alexajloftus.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the hunt for romanticist emotion successful each its glorious expressions successful the L.A. area, and we want to perceive your existent story. We salary $400 for a published essay. Email LAAffairs@beritaja.com. You could find submission guidelines here. You could find past columns here.